—How the Zodiac signs would die in a horror film—
— A R I E S —
Sign of the ram, you are hard-headed and mischievous, with your eyes turned down. If you were in a horror film, you’d be the one to die in a booby trap, or fall through the trapdoor placed by a cunning murderer. To avoid this, take your headphones out, pause the indie rock and maybe stop to smell the roses (so long as they are not coated in anthrax).
— T A U R U S —
Taurus, you are the truest Aggie of us all. With your strong will and stubbornness, your death will surely be the result of arrogance. Should you find yourself in a horror film, beware the murderer in the shower, or the ax-wielder in the closet. You would do well to take your friends seriously when they make a fearful glance behind you and learn how to say a Hail Mary in under two seconds.
— G E M I N I —
Gemini, sign of the twins, stop playing games. We all know you are the murderer, and you will surely die of some brave girl hitting you with a rusty pipe to the head. Through your cunning, manipulative behavior, you have hidden in plain sight for so long. Just go as a sexy cat this year.
— C A N C E R —
Crabby doesn’t just define you in the morning before your coffee, Cancer. If you were trapped in the murder house, there would be no joy in killing you. Among the first to go, you will be found in the closet crying, and quite loudly at that. Avoid this by avoiding the situation in the first place, and staying home with your cat
— L E O —
Loud-mouthed and arrogant, your claims of immortality will be your ultimate undoing, Leo. (Ironic, isn’t it?) Take time to check your safety apparatuses, as your death will not be a typical horror movie murder, but rather a thriller, in which your unlucky friend gets to drag you off the side of a mountain. Thank them now, as you probably would not have survived, anyway.
— V I R G O —
Virgo, you will be the last to die. Not to say you won’t die, because we all die in the end, but you may get a bit further thanks to your attention to detail. Your death will be the result of pure misfortune, but your lack of common sense probably contributed. Pay attention more than normal this Hallows-week, even if you are called a buzzkill for it.
— L I B R A —
Libra, your only saving grace will be your flirtatious attitude. Try to summon up the courage to cozy up to the chainsaw massacre-er and perhaps he will take you under his wing. This should be immediately followed by a quick sprint to the nearest McDonald’s, as everyone knows Chainsaw Massacre-ers cannot enter such establishments. If unsuccessful, at least your death will be swift. Your lucky number is 73 today Libra (because you care about those things).
— S C O R P I O —
Poor Scorpio, please try not to suggest “splitting up.” Sure, they call it a wine cellar, but that does not mean murderers don’t like wine. Your death will be alone, your body may take a few weeks to uncover, but at least your hair will still look great. Also, Mercury is in retrograde, sorry about that.
— S A G I T T A R I U S —
Sagittarius, you may be our only hope. Your quick thinking and sociable attitude will get you out of the corn field long before everyone else, but scarecrows have also entered the 21st century and are capable of running you over with a combine just as easily. Speak softly and carry a big stick, Sagittarius, you never know who you will have to hit with it. Speaking of which, avoid Gemini this week, for your own safety.
— C A P R I C O R N —
Capricorn, I’ll be honest — I forgot you were invited. Thank you for taking care of the drunk friends, but maybe you could loosen up this Halloween? We all appreciate you and wish you the best, but the mom is never the favorite character in any show. Your death will come as a result of your humanity — so, please, if someone is maimed, do not pull out the band-aids.
— A Q U A R I U S —
Water-bearer, your horrific downfall will be at the hands of a paranormal creature of some sort. Read up on garlic strains, silver bullets and the like to avoid such peril. In the meantime, go to a party, enjoy your life and make some friends. If any of those friends suggest retiring to a dark, small room, please be careful.
— P I S C E S —
Your selflessness will be your undoing, Pisces. Always willing to help, you will have a hard time leaving your friends behind, no matter how loud the chainsaw noises behind you are growing. If you survive, it will be through embracing your artistic side and using your over-developed intuition. Craft yourself a careful disguise and, when you sense the moment is right, it’s time for fight or flight. Your choice, Pisces.
Carter Moore is a news writer and self-proclaimed “future Ernest Hemingway.” He recently took up the post as the Statesman’s resident (amateur) astrologist. Follow him on Twitter @CarterTheGrreat.
HORRORscope illustrations were designed by Garrett Rasband, a USU sophomore studying global communications.